Time

I have a love/hate relationship with time. On one hand, I love to look at my past and see how things have changed, ways I've grown, think about what used to bother me and see now how little it means. But on the other hand, I hate looking in the past. I hate knowing exactly what happened a year ago, two years ago, simply because the date was memorable.

Today would've been M and I's three year anniversary. It's a weird thing for me to say and think about because I can't say what a great day this was last year for me, because it wasn't. We were broken up this time last year as well. We never had a two year anniversary. I remember crying on the steps at a party because I was so upset that I didn't get to celebrate with him and coming back and falling to my floor crying. Looking back at this time last year I realize how much my life would be different if I didn't go back home in May and ask him to come over. I'd be more than a year over this break up.

But here I am. Upset because we did get back together. And I did fall in love. And I do wish I could call him today and say happy anniversary and tell him how much I love him. But I can't. Because he's out on a date with his new girlfriend telling her that he loves her. And I'm here laying on my bed holding back tears for the memory of what today should be. So here is my letter to you M, the one that I'm writing 5 months after our split that I wish you could see but pray that you never do.

Dear M,

I just wanted to say happy 3 year anniversary.  I'm not sure if you could technically call it an anniversary anymore because we're no longer together and I also don't know if you can technically call it our 3 year anniversary if we never got to celebrate 2 together but never the less, happy anniversary. For the distant future, this day will always be ours in my heart. There isn't a day that I can imagine when I don't look at the combination of 4-22 and not think of you. It's different now, sure but this day is ours.

I hope for at least a moment today you thought of me. I hope that maybe you though of me with a smile and just a slight ting of pain knowing that I'm not apart of your life anymore. But I hope after that you moved on with your day as if it was any other day.

I've spent the majority of the day thinking about you, thinking about what today would be to us if we were still together right now, praying that you wouldn't post anything about you and your girlfriend for today so I didn't need to see it. I think I can mostly say that I thought of today with a smile on my face. Two years ago today was the first time I met your family, first time I saw you cry, first time I got to hold you in my arms and comfort you, and the first time I knew full heartedly that you wanted to be with me. It's strange to think of how much you and I went through in the past three years. So much growing, so many adventures, so much laughter and so many tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for every second that you gave me. I know I didn't appreciate it enough in the moment.

Enough of me rambling now, what I really want you to know is that I'm happy you're happy. You asked me about a month or two ago how I was doing and to be quite honest, I lied to you. I wasn't okay. I had a panic attack the day after we spoke. I'm still heartbroken but I'm getting better every day. I don't cry much anymore, and I certainly don't hear my phone go off and think it's you anymore. I'm able to talk about you and smile, say your name and not want to crumble. I'm doing okay but I'm not perfect. Finding out about you and J was probably one of the harder parts of dealing with this. How soon it was, how quickly it became public and official. Seeing it become official on facebok and seeing your family support you and another girl together, it's all really hard. I have definitely (and still do, sorry, I'm human) talked some major shit on her, said she was ugly, probably a slut, that it won't last and so many more things but deep down, I'm so incredibly happy for you. I'm happy you've found someone that can make you smile and make you happy in ways I maybe never could have. I truly hope that she's treating you well and is aware that what she has is someone special and someone she needs to fight for.

I guess mostly I just wanted to say, happy anniversary Michael. I still love you very very much and I wish absolutely nothing but the best for you. I hope you're doing well and you're happy.

Love,
S

"Sometimes memories fall out of my eyes and down my cheek."