Dedication

I've never been a very dedicated person and it has always been something thats driven me crazy. Relationship wise I can be dedicated and as I've gotten older that has proven to be true. Friendships follow on the same path. As I've gotten older I've learned to appreciate the people in my life and in turn my dedication to our friendships has grown. But other than that, I basically suck. School, sports, hobbies, ect. You name it, I suck.

So, that's why I'm here. I have had blogs I use on and off on sites such as tumblr. I've tried to just have a private twitter I could use for one off spurts of inspiration and none of those have worked. I thought maybe if I had a website made by myself, for myself, completely dedicated to blogging I might stick to it. Wish me luck.

My goals for this:
1. Be 100% honest with myself
2. Write about everything, not just love and relationships
3. That includes days when you're just overly happy too, you're going to want to remember those
4. Just write. It's healthy and important

Unfortunately, I'm starting off writing about love and relationships because currently, that is one of my biggest issues that I walk around with daily. Today was a low day that I feel I need to write about so, here we go.

Yesterday hosting the alumnae picnic completely wiped me out. I was overly exhausted for who knows what reason so I definitely woke up feeling well rested this morning (I would hope I did considering I had over 12 hours of sleep). I was in a great mood. Went with S (my roommate) to get lunch around 2 o'clock and we decided that since it was such a beautiful day we wanted to go outside and enjoy it with our friends. We called them and made plans to go to a local state park and have a McDonalds picnic sitting on the dock by the lake.

It was honestly one of the most peaceful things I've done in quite awhile. We were all having a fantastic time until people started wanting to dock their boats and we were just clearly in the way so we had to leave. On the way home one of my friends was laughing in the backseat of my car and had this weird feeling I was either being made fun of or they were editing this embarrassing picture that was taken of me (my face was deformed because of the panorama shot she took off her iPhone). The latter was correct. Now, I hate embarrassing pictures of me in the first place. Even if they just remain on my friends phone I hate knowing they exist. I'm incredibly self conscious as it is, especially now considering I've gained quite a lot of weight in the past year.

She had posted the picture to twitter. I was instantly annoyed. My friend K thought it was funny (because honestly it was) but could obviously tell I was somewhat annoyed. She asked if I would be mad if she retweeted and/or favorited it, I said yes. Next thing I know we're parked they both run away from the car knowing I'm mad and I see that Kate had both retweeted and favorited the photo. I lost it. I was so beyond mad and 98% of that reason was because M (my ex boyfriend) follows K on twitter still.

I hate hate hate myself because I still think about my every move and what he'll think about it. I hate that I was mad at my friends because I'm too insecure to laugh at an embarrassing picture of myself. I hate that after we got back (around 8 o'clock) I locked myself in my room and cried the entire night.

I know I was being ridiculous and I did text them to apologize and attempted to explain why I was being so irrational with them. They seemed to understand, especially Kate as she texted me a beautiful message with an equally beautiful quote she found.

I just hate myself that I let him ruin my days still. One day at a time they say though, right?

"Your self worth does not diminish when people do not acknowledge you. The stars do not stop glistening when we do not look up at the sky."