Friends

As I've began writing on this blog and made the decision to leave peoples names out, I've realized that almost all of my friends names start with the letters S, K or J so this might begin to get confusing... but with that aside, I wanted to talk about the friend I've made over the past year and a half.

Going away to a college 6 hours away from home where you know next to no one is absolutely terrifying. The only two people I knew, A and R, I didn't even really know them. I had met R when he transferred to a college near me before returning to the school him and I both attend but A I never met. We knew each other from a mutual online friend but as he lives where I now attend school and we were only 15 when we met it was never possible to meet in person.

The first two/three weeks here we absolute hell. My roommate and I did not get along, A and I never quite hit it off in person so our friendship didn't grow, I was dating M at the time so I was miserable that he wasn't there, I missed my parents, nothing seemed right. I cried almost every single day. The recruitment rolled around and I knew I wanted to go. Every day I'm so thankful that I found the courage to walk into a room full of woman I didn't know and put myself out there. I don't know where I found the confidence to do it, but I'm so happy I did.

After the first day of recruitment I made a friend that I went to all of the bid parties with (funny enough we had the same name). It was so nice having someone to walk into these rooms with, to discuss which chapters we liked and ones we weren't quite as fond of. I really enjoyed hanging out with her and I wish our friendship continued to grow after recruitment but it kind of came to an end. Soon after though, I met M (here begins the doubling of initials, sorry in advance for confusion). She was going through recruitment as well and we realized we lived in the same building. We exchanged phone numbers and she invited me down to her room on Bid Day to find out who we got bids from. Surprisingly and luckily enough, we both got into the same sorority! That was the start of my first real friend at college. We hung out almost every day, I began confiding in her when me and M were having issues and especially when we broke up. I don't think I would have been able to be so strong though it without having her to hang out with.

Her and I were basically unseperable throughout the beginning of our new member process in the sorority and people know that. But we went to our first mixer together (a party on Thursday nights, usually hosted by one fraternity so  the sorority and fraternity can get to know each other) and met two other girls, S and K. After that mixer the four of us were then known as the Fantastic Four. We had a groupchat where we talked about everything and everyone, hung out all the time, went to parties together. I was so happy I had finally found my core group of friends. Then one day on twitter me and one of my other pledge sisters were talking about a television show and definitely hit it off. The next day or so I went out to dinner with her and another one of our pledge sisters she was close with. Soon after, the Fantastic Four had two new members and became the Super Six. The Super Six for reference consisted of me, K, S, K, S, and M (couldn't be more confusing, sorry).

Sadly, M and I had a falling out towards the end of the semester that affected everyone in our friend group. Although I most definitely didn't push for it (in fact, I told them not to let our falling out affect their friendship) we all lost touch with her. She just became distant not only with us but the entire sorority. So the Super Six became the Fab Five and that is where it remains today. I can honestly say I've never felt closer to a group of girls before in my life. Every single day we are there for each other, supporting each other, encouraging everyone to better themselves and their lives. The amount of times everyone of us has came running to another in a time of need is absolutely crazy and so humbling. A few times that stand out to me was once last semester K called me bawling her eyes out to the point that I couldn't even understand there. Me and S (my roommate) ran to my car and over to her apartment complex to see what was wrong. Soon after K and S contacted us because they had heard about what happened on twitter (it was a huge news story) and wanted to see if she was okay. That night the five of us had a huge sleep over at her apartment to make sure she was okay and could make it through the night. The next and possibly the biggest moment for me was when M and I broke up last semester. I was broken in a way I never was before, feeling a pain I never thought was even possible. I've blocked out most of my memories from the first two weeks of the break up but from what people have told me I wasn't good. They were by my side the entire time. When I called them in the middle of the day and two of them left their classes because I was trying in a bathroom, when I called S the night it happened and she ran from her building to mine in the freezing snow to be with me. I couldn't be luckier to have the friends that I do.

Recently, we've all been getting closer with the pledge class that just came in after us. Unfortunately all of their names start with J so that just adds to the confusing haha. I'm so happy we're finally getting closer with them because honestly, they are some of the nicest and funniest people ever. I'm just so thankful for my sorority for introducing me to these amazing woman.

Now, even though I just spend this entire post talking about my friends that I've made from the sorority, I can't forget my best friend from home, E. E and I have been friends since about 8th grade but really became best friends our senior year of high school. She's been with me through all of my break ups, through my first few miserable weeks at college, through my miserable life at home when I was at community college. I can honestly say she is the one friend I have in my life I refuse to let anything or anyone come in between. It's so hard now for us because I go to school in PA (where we're from) and she goes to school in WV. On top of that, her family moved over last summer so she doesn't live in PA anymore, she goes between two houses one in CO and one in FL. It sucks knowing how hard it is to see your best friend but we've made it work for the past three years and we're gonna continue to make it work for the rest of our lives. I love you, E.

“Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend.”

Time

I have a love/hate relationship with time. On one hand, I love to look at my past and see how things have changed, ways I've grown, think about what used to bother me and see now how little it means. But on the other hand, I hate looking in the past. I hate knowing exactly what happened a year ago, two years ago, simply because the date was memorable.

Today would've been M and I's three year anniversary. It's a weird thing for me to say and think about because I can't say what a great day this was last year for me, because it wasn't. We were broken up this time last year as well. We never had a two year anniversary. I remember crying on the steps at a party because I was so upset that I didn't get to celebrate with him and coming back and falling to my floor crying. Looking back at this time last year I realize how much my life would be different if I didn't go back home in May and ask him to come over. I'd be more than a year over this break up.

But here I am. Upset because we did get back together. And I did fall in love. And I do wish I could call him today and say happy anniversary and tell him how much I love him. But I can't. Because he's out on a date with his new girlfriend telling her that he loves her. And I'm here laying on my bed holding back tears for the memory of what today should be. So here is my letter to you M, the one that I'm writing 5 months after our split that I wish you could see but pray that you never do.

Dear M,

I just wanted to say happy 3 year anniversary.  I'm not sure if you could technically call it an anniversary anymore because we're no longer together and I also don't know if you can technically call it our 3 year anniversary if we never got to celebrate 2 together but never the less, happy anniversary. For the distant future, this day will always be ours in my heart. There isn't a day that I can imagine when I don't look at the combination of 4-22 and not think of you. It's different now, sure but this day is ours.

I hope for at least a moment today you thought of me. I hope that maybe you though of me with a smile and just a slight ting of pain knowing that I'm not apart of your life anymore. But I hope after that you moved on with your day as if it was any other day.

I've spent the majority of the day thinking about you, thinking about what today would be to us if we were still together right now, praying that you wouldn't post anything about you and your girlfriend for today so I didn't need to see it. I think I can mostly say that I thought of today with a smile on my face. Two years ago today was the first time I met your family, first time I saw you cry, first time I got to hold you in my arms and comfort you, and the first time I knew full heartedly that you wanted to be with me. It's strange to think of how much you and I went through in the past three years. So much growing, so many adventures, so much laughter and so many tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for every second that you gave me. I know I didn't appreciate it enough in the moment.

Enough of me rambling now, what I really want you to know is that I'm happy you're happy. You asked me about a month or two ago how I was doing and to be quite honest, I lied to you. I wasn't okay. I had a panic attack the day after we spoke. I'm still heartbroken but I'm getting better every day. I don't cry much anymore, and I certainly don't hear my phone go off and think it's you anymore. I'm able to talk about you and smile, say your name and not want to crumble. I'm doing okay but I'm not perfect. Finding out about you and J was probably one of the harder parts of dealing with this. How soon it was, how quickly it became public and official. Seeing it become official on facebok and seeing your family support you and another girl together, it's all really hard. I have definitely (and still do, sorry, I'm human) talked some major shit on her, said she was ugly, probably a slut, that it won't last and so many more things but deep down, I'm so incredibly happy for you. I'm happy you've found someone that can make you smile and make you happy in ways I maybe never could have. I truly hope that she's treating you well and is aware that what she has is someone special and someone she needs to fight for.

I guess mostly I just wanted to say, happy anniversary Michael. I still love you very very much and I wish absolutely nothing but the best for you. I hope you're doing well and you're happy.

Love,
S

"Sometimes memories fall out of my eyes and down my cheek."

Lies

Lies, how they consume you. They're addicting. You can't avoid them.

Ever since I was little I can remember lying. Small things to my parents like all young children do all the way up to huge misleading facts about my life. In middle school and even some of high school I had this whole alter-ego life made up. I made up a fake boyfriend (I'll save the name just for privacy reasons) who moved to Florida with his family, I remember adding that his mom passed away at one point. I claimed that these necklaces I wore that my mom bought for me were things that he would mail to me. I would say that he flew back from Florida for the holidays to see me. It was completely crazy. One day (I'm really not sure when) I realized just how crazy it was lying about all of this and though I could never come clean to the people that this lie touched because it was basically everyone in my life, I decided to drop it. To try not to talk about it any longer. I wanted to be a better person, not someone who lies. But here I am, twenty-one years old and I still CONSTANTLY lie. 

Today I lied and told my friends that my ex-boyfriend called me. He didn't. We haven't spoken since early March. Why why WHY do I do these things? There was literally no reason for me to make up this story today. I guess I just wanted attention? Who knows.

I lie for attention.

I lie to make my life seem more interesting.

I lie to get what I want.

I lie to make people feel bad for me.

I lie to make people jealous.

I lie and I hate myself for it. But I can't stop.

I want to and I've definitely gotten better but I just wish I would stop lying about stupid things that are so unnecessary.

"There is never such 'lying for good' there is only 'lying for your own good'".

Dedication

I've never been a very dedicated person and it has always been something thats driven me crazy. Relationship wise I can be dedicated and as I've gotten older that has proven to be true. Friendships follow on the same path. As I've gotten older I've learned to appreciate the people in my life and in turn my dedication to our friendships has grown. But other than that, I basically suck. School, sports, hobbies, ect. You name it, I suck.

So, that's why I'm here. I have had blogs I use on and off on sites such as tumblr. I've tried to just have a private twitter I could use for one off spurts of inspiration and none of those have worked. I thought maybe if I had a website made by myself, for myself, completely dedicated to blogging I might stick to it. Wish me luck.

My goals for this:
1. Be 100% honest with myself
2. Write about everything, not just love and relationships
3. That includes days when you're just overly happy too, you're going to want to remember those
4. Just write. It's healthy and important

Unfortunately, I'm starting off writing about love and relationships because currently, that is one of my biggest issues that I walk around with daily. Today was a low day that I feel I need to write about so, here we go.

Yesterday hosting the alumnae picnic completely wiped me out. I was overly exhausted for who knows what reason so I definitely woke up feeling well rested this morning (I would hope I did considering I had over 12 hours of sleep). I was in a great mood. Went with S (my roommate) to get lunch around 2 o'clock and we decided that since it was such a beautiful day we wanted to go outside and enjoy it with our friends. We called them and made plans to go to a local state park and have a McDonalds picnic sitting on the dock by the lake.

It was honestly one of the most peaceful things I've done in quite awhile. We were all having a fantastic time until people started wanting to dock their boats and we were just clearly in the way so we had to leave. On the way home one of my friends was laughing in the backseat of my car and had this weird feeling I was either being made fun of or they were editing this embarrassing picture that was taken of me (my face was deformed because of the panorama shot she took off her iPhone). The latter was correct. Now, I hate embarrassing pictures of me in the first place. Even if they just remain on my friends phone I hate knowing they exist. I'm incredibly self conscious as it is, especially now considering I've gained quite a lot of weight in the past year.

She had posted the picture to twitter. I was instantly annoyed. My friend K thought it was funny (because honestly it was) but could obviously tell I was somewhat annoyed. She asked if I would be mad if she retweeted and/or favorited it, I said yes. Next thing I know we're parked they both run away from the car knowing I'm mad and I see that Kate had both retweeted and favorited the photo. I lost it. I was so beyond mad and 98% of that reason was because M (my ex boyfriend) follows K on twitter still.

I hate hate hate myself because I still think about my every move and what he'll think about it. I hate that I was mad at my friends because I'm too insecure to laugh at an embarrassing picture of myself. I hate that after we got back (around 8 o'clock) I locked myself in my room and cried the entire night.

I know I was being ridiculous and I did text them to apologize and attempted to explain why I was being so irrational with them. They seemed to understand, especially Kate as she texted me a beautiful message with an equally beautiful quote she found.

I just hate myself that I let him ruin my days still. One day at a time they say though, right?

"Your self worth does not diminish when people do not acknowledge you. The stars do not stop glistening when we do not look up at the sky."